and now...

I GRADUATED!!! now i have started the interview process. awesome. i hate doing it, but it has to be done. now katie is almost 30 weeks. YAY! tomorrow is the byu vs u football game. GO UTES!! and i am going to see twilight tomorrow night. still waiting for alex to ask. oh, and i found out he has had the ring for three weeks and still hasn't asked. so whats wrong with me?

SORRY ITS BEEN SO LONG!!

wow. july 8th to november 12. can anyone say slacker?? anyway, i have been so so busy that i didn't have the time. lame excuse, i know. sense i have last written i have taken both state tests and i have about 4 days of school left. not bad ah? i also have had to call the temple to hold my wedding date. busy busy me. it is set for May 22, 2009...the only problem, i haven't been asked yet. count on me to jump the gun and set it before i even have a ring on my finger. what else is new?? umm...katie and kole got prego. twins. one boy, one girl. but katie is in the hospital and has been for about a week now (and that after almost a month of bed rest). she is only at 29 weeks. we want her to keep them in for about a month longer, but she can't help it. we are hoping the fasting and prayers will go far enough. so keep them in your minds. oh, and elise moved home. other then that its the same old shit, different day. *sorry kenyon, for taking that saying from you Ü*
i'll try to keep up in my writing.
God is Love

let me know

so...if anyone has life figured out yet, please let me know. i've been dating two boys. i said the first to give me a me-or-nothing would be the one to go, but i did it the other way. CONFUSING!! i just don't know how to stick to my plan EVER! i really need to figure out life. i think i feel way older then 19 or even 20 but not in a good way. oh well right??

i think i think

so today is the day i started school again. and i broke up with alex, or a break...who knows? but i really don't think we are going to get back together this time. i feel like it is the final straw. this is weird. he sounded numb. like he didn't or doesn't care anymore. i don't know what i'm feeling or how to take this mix of emotion. wow this sucks.

I QUIT!!

im calling it quits on life
God is love

WHAT THE HECK??

no matter how hard i try there are just some people that can so easly change how i feel in a blink of an eye and i hate it! and why can guys not read minds...am i right girls? i mean can we make things any more odvious and they still don't get it. we basically have to put it in writing and have them follow along while we read it to them so that they might understand what we are trying to tell them. why does passion have to include anger? well sorry for the venting this morning. it is 1:26 and i haven't slept more then two hours last night and have yet to fall asleep tonight. maybe its because i have tried going to bed angry both nights? or maybe it is this stupid nosey surgery. who really knows. oh well. at least putting these things in writing helps me sort through them and calm down. but my tum tum does hurt. maybe i will try going to sleep...again...
good night *or morning*
God is love

Ever have those days?

I quit my job and take a break from school and I just expect it to be the best thing ever and I could die. Everyone is at work or school. Don't get me wrong I love not having to be an adult for once but I feel like WTF?? Ya know? But I wake up thinking, "crap--one more day closer to having to go back to school" And then there are those things you know you should do but you just can't bring yourself to do them. Like move all my crap from my house to my mom's. Doing that and cleaning are the only two times I hate having so many clothes. Oh well. Here are to the days when you can't get of your fat butt to do the stuff that is going to have to get done sooner or later.
Can I get a woot woot??

Why Can't I Just Be Normal

Last night was the worst night EVER!! So I was hanging out with Alex but it was super hard for me bacause he had done something not very nice. He had said sorry but I am just not ready to get over it. I told him that we couldn't see each other for a few days and that we could only talk if i started the convo. Then I called him and asked him to come down to put my "saftey plan" into action. He wouldn't. He was "to tired" and had taken a sleeping pill. So I basically told him to screw off and that I didn't want anything to do with him any more. I said some VERY hurtful things. Even as I was saying them I sat there and thought to myself, "why am I saying this? i don't even feel this way." but i kept on saying them. I pushed him away as much as I ever could. I think the only reason I did it was to help him. I'm not always the nicest girlfriend and its not fair to him. I think he needs to get over me but I know he never will if I don't help him. But still--why can't I just act like a normal adult? I sit there and I say these awfule things and I sound like I have 0 emotion but inside I am being ripped apart and I have tears falling down my face. It isn't me at all. My voice and words decive every emotion I am having. I can't even eat *and if you know me that is a BIG deal*. I didn't fall asleep last night. I have just wanted to call him and tell him im sorry but I can't bring myself to do it because I don't want to just keep on hurting him. I don't know who I am anymore. What do I do??

Catching Up

Alright lets just catch everyone up on where my life is right now...I just quit my job--yikes! Now I am moving back in with my parents--double yikes!! I am going to start going to school full time so I can get out of that hell hole in half the time. YAY ME!
If you heard I was pregnant what you heard was true but I am sad to say that we did lose the baby. That kinda messed me up in the head so im sorting that out right now. Alex and I are currently on a "break". What does a break even mean?? I just feel like I am stuck in the limbo. Its a constant love tango. At least there is passion in the tango though right?
Im not really sure what to do.
Adults always sit there and tell me how I know where I am going in my life, but to be honest I have no idea. If you asked me five months ago I would have though--then my life kinda just fell to peices. But I am ready to grow, learn, and move on. I just need to become a stronger person from everything I have been going through.God is love.

Im Locked Inside My Box

im locked inside my box
fighting with hope, while silently i shout
not knowing how i got here
who has the key to get me out

did i chose to be here
or was i forced into this hell
am i soiled with many mistakes
or was it only once i fell

im trapped inside this darkness
does this darkness have a name
are you giving yours to it
is that your head is hung in shame

what is this wickedness
would you want this suicide
you should know when you come to close
i long to run and hide

where did it come from
will it ever go home
how do i make it leave
when did i start feeling so alone

im locked inside my box
fighting with hope, while i silently shout
not knowing how i got here
who has the key to get me out

One Regret

i look into those eyes
i see the pain of my actions
i know the hurt i caused
a glimpse upon the soul i made
the soul i killed
i knew He loved me
i took advantage of it
He succumbed to my every desire
i made Him
i killed Him
i try to blame Him
make everything His fault
it is mine
i am to blame
how can i be so mad at Him
i am the one doing wrong
he knew i loved Him
that i still love Him
that’s why He let me mold Him
make Him perfect
perfect in my eyes
perfect in everyone’s eyes
Perfect
it was only in my eyes
He was perfect before “us”
i made Him
i killed Him
He knew my intentions were good
He thought they were good
i thought they were good
He wanted to be perfect
for me
He changed
for me
i made Him
i killed Him