Why Can't I Just Be Normal

Last night was the worst night EVER!! So I was hanging out with Alex but it was super hard for me bacause he had done something not very nice. He had said sorry but I am just not ready to get over it. I told him that we couldn't see each other for a few days and that we could only talk if i started the convo. Then I called him and asked him to come down to put my "saftey plan" into action. He wouldn't. He was "to tired" and had taken a sleeping pill. So I basically told him to screw off and that I didn't want anything to do with him any more. I said some VERY hurtful things. Even as I was saying them I sat there and thought to myself, "why am I saying this? i don't even feel this way." but i kept on saying them. I pushed him away as much as I ever could. I think the only reason I did it was to help him. I'm not always the nicest girlfriend and its not fair to him. I think he needs to get over me but I know he never will if I don't help him. But still--why can't I just act like a normal adult? I sit there and I say these awfule things and I sound like I have 0 emotion but inside I am being ripped apart and I have tears falling down my face. It isn't me at all. My voice and words decive every emotion I am having. I can't even eat *and if you know me that is a BIG deal*. I didn't fall asleep last night. I have just wanted to call him and tell him im sorry but I can't bring myself to do it because I don't want to just keep on hurting him. I don't know who I am anymore. What do I do??